Rain

    I've been thinking about It a little recently- about, what would I actually write here. And I realised there's so much I'd like to write about at the moment. Everything is happening so quickly, sometimes, I get the feeling that I'm falling thirty seconds behind the time. But it wasn't always like this.
   ''I'm taking a walk in a pouring rain, without my umbrella. What's the point of bringing my umbrella if it's going to break straight after I open it? I can see raindrops on my hair, hear the splashing of water underneath my feet...'' which reminds me of careless childhood days in Poland. We would pretend to be ''Tomb Raiders'', ''Totally Spies'' and ''Powerpuff girls'', even if it rained. To be honest, we didn't like playing when the weather was nice. A nice weather meant that the possibilities of getting dirt all over your clothes and yourself were small, and the more dirty your clothes were, the better. ''Cause Lara Croft isn't scared to have dirt on her shirt''.
''I pass by a row of lime trees. Their sweet smell mixed with rain. That is the only place in Ireland that smells, and almost feels like Poland. And of course, I'm only after realising that just now.'' When I was eleven years of age, and I moved to Ireland, I missed (the so called) 'home' for a very long time. I was just a kid when I had to start 'all over again' in a completely new country, with a completely new people and a language in which I could only say 'yes, no and coca-cola' when I first came here. It wasn't easy to accept new things all at once, I guess, that one of the hardest things to accept about Ireland was the fact that Irish people tend to drive upstream... But I got used to it, in the end, just as I got used to the rain. And I must admit, I started to like it, even in huge amounts Ireland offers us.
As the time passed, I started to get to know new people, I learned 'communicative' English very quickly, well, thanks to my nerdy nature. As I talked to more and more Irish people, and improved my English time by picking up few new words a day, I learned the great differences between Irish and Polish people. In the end, at the age of 13, I ended up surrounded only by Irish people.
'' I look around. Looking at my Ireland around me. Trying to memorise it as much as possible. I'm going to need these memories, these details. I see a man in a window. I smile at him, as spontaneously as I used to do when I was a child. And... he smiles back and waves at me.'' One main difference between 'Polish and Irish' is that a recipe for 'Typical Irish Character' would be :''Take a good bit of charm, joke, sympathetic frame of mind and talkativeness. Add some melancholy, day dreaming, and tendency to spontaneity. Gently steer.'', while a recipe for a 'Typical Polish Character'' (from what I have experienced in my life so far) would be: ''Take a good bit of pride, 'patriotism' and unexplained love for arguments. Add some jealousy, a tiny bit acceptance and steer'', but this 'recipe for a Polish character' isn't always correct, there are few exceptions. But when it comes to Polish people living in Ireland.. ah, they all seem to believe nothing can beat Poland nor anything that's Polish; they all seem to believe they're unbeatable. That they're a nation too good to even talk with somebody from outside of Poland. Sometimes I wonder, why such people left Poland if she is so goddamn good to them?

    ''Walking by the riverside. It started to rain again. Puddles everywhere. I jump into them feeling like a nine year old child again. Im soaked anyway. Some more water in my shoes won't make much difference.'' And I felt as if I was back in Poland again. I didnt miss it after I met her, cause everything seemed so goddamn good that I didnt want anything more.
In may 2010 Poland took her away from me. In September 2010 fifth year started and everything was going great again. All of the people that I now call my friends are the people I've been looking for, since I came here for the first time,and now, I can easily say that these people made me believe that Ireland is my home, that I fully and truly accept it, and that in fact, I absolutely love it. Since I finished any 'friendships' with any of the 'people of the past' I could think, say and be who SHE made me. Who I have always been. Inside.
   ''I stop for a while and look at the circles in the water. They never meet. No matter how big they are, or how many of them there is, they will never ever meet.'' My clothes were soaked at this stage. But I didn't care. I just kept walking through the puddles, with my head down and hood on. I realised that even though I am very happy here, in my own rainy heaven, I need changes again. I guess that's my nature, I can't be happy for a long time unless some radical changes take place in my life. And here I am, imagining my life in Poland. What would it be like if I moved back. Would I feel like a foreigner in my own country? Would I be able to be so extremely happy there, as I am here? Would I be able to accept Polish mentality on a bigger scale? I guess I wouldn't, just as I didn't accept Ireland at first, only because it dragged me away from my home. But I've been living in Ireland for 6 years now, and Ireland had enough time to inject all her good things into my brain, so I guess, going back to Poland wouldn't be as bad... And even if it wouldn't work out, I could always come back, right?
''I turn my head to the sky and let the rain tickle my face. I eventually take my hood off'''.

For you, a thousand times over

I wake up thinking what's causing all of this. I fall asleep thinking why things aren't right anymore. And of course, all I can think about are only the worst things. I guess, whoever was born pessimist will die a pessimist.
And he's so goddamn true, so so... real that he doesn't want to lie to me, or tell me the truth only because he's incapable of hurting anyone. Oh! But why now? Why just 2 months before 'the day'. Why?

We were the happiest people on Earth,
We lied in bed together. Saying nothing. Nothing at all, just staring into each other's eyes. And when I slept, I could feel your gentle touch on my arms.
We watched the stars together. We walked in the streets by night. We kissed in most crowded places. We talked, without using words. You were mine and I was yours.
And of course, none of the above ever happened. And, never will.

Can you miss a person whom, in fact, you never ever met in your life? Can you miss a person who never was there with you?

Can you wait for 2 years for a person of your dreams? Can you even function like a normal person constantly waiting? Waiting and not being sure if it will ever happen at all.
But I would do anything for him. Anything to be with him. Anything just... to see how it is like having him beside me.
''For him, a thousand times over''

Really

How come we can get stabbed in the back so many times and never feel the pain? How could we become so cold, so 'strong' and so... indifferent to everything that happens around us.
Looks like we have never grown up. We still play. We still act. We still pretend.
How many times did they ask you 'how are you', you answered them, and then they said 'no really, how are you?'. Is it because we're scared of telling people how we really feel? Is it because we don't want them to see that we, as human beings, still have our weaknesses? Or is it because we got so used to acting things out that we can't even tell the difference between the real feelings and fake feelings?
People lie to us, we lie to others. It's so normal nowadays. But why is 'lie' our second nature? We even lie to make somebody feel better, to even somebody's life. Looks like 'lie' has become the weapon of 21st century.
And I could ask you many, many questions to which you could answer many, many things, but still in the end, I'd repeat the question and add 'really' at the end of it, just to make you stop and think. To make sure YOU are sure of the answer. But of course, the most important of all questions I could ask you is:
Are you happy?
I mean...REALLY?

Freedom, magic and mental issues

Ok, I haven't been posting anything that made sense in a while. I guess I just needed time to get myself together once again. Not, that I've been in deep depression for all this time, but... I just needed a rest from writing, try to understand. Not that you missed my or anything, but anyway.
Sometimes, it takes longer than we expected to get over some things. It's not about a love issue, or maybe it is, but not the kind of love you may think it is. I DON'T DO male-female love. It's not my thing, as I said before- my wallet isn't designed for that kind of things. I missed a friend. I've mentioned that before as well.
So, many of you may say that time is a greedy thing. A selfish bitch that decides to take precious little details from your memory and keep it for itself, but oh, look at the other thing that 'greedy, selfish bitch' does. Not always it takes the good stuff from us. It may also take pain, frustration and sorrow from us. I realised that only few days ago.
I made a deal with time. I gave him the bad things, he gave me back only the good stuff I missed, and needed the most. I never wanted to think bad about the good, but sometimes you just can't keep the positive thinking by your side. Sometimes you just gotta let go, stop, drown in the ocean of your selfish, masochistic thoughts, then rearrange them, just as you do with furniture in your room, and close them. Lock the door and just leave. Try not to come back to them. Never to open that door again, but as I said, it's almost impossible to do.
Now, I'm left with the good things on my own. But only because something is considered to be good, does it mean it's actually good?
As Sogyal Rinpoche said it's the good things that usually bring obstacles to our lives.
Is he right?

Wallet

Some people loose their minds. Some phones. Others loose their wallets.
And yes, wallets are somethings I'd like to talk about tonight. Or use them as a comparison to something completely different, at least.

Wallet isn't a very good place for money. I mean... think about it. When you have money in your wallet you feel like spending it. And you keep on buying new things (which, in fact, are useless pieces of crap you're going to throw in the corner of your room and never look at them again). And when you are going to buy another thing, you take out your wallet out of your back pocket only to realise you've only got 2c left in it.
And maybe I am not designed for love related affairs?
Everytime I decide to open my heart and take some love out of it, I always tend to loose control over it. I take out too much. I keep on giving too much. And this is why I tend to wake up one day to find myself completely miserable and empty.
But somewhere, deep in my conscience (I like that word. I learned it while reading Hamlet) I know I have to leave something for later. I know I have to leave some of it so that I can a starting point from which I could restore what I've lost.
Of course, that's when nothing works out between body A and body B.
But when it DOES work out and when we BOTH feel the force of attraction... well then, that's a completely different story. I guess.
Cause guessing is all I can do at the moment. I didn't get the chance to experience the other option yet.
Goodnight.

Two Thousand And Ten

29 December 2010.
Oh wow. I can remember the first day of 2010 as if it was yesterday. I can remember how happy I was to start all new. To finally start taking lead of my own life. And guess what? I didn't. Not when the year 2010 began anyway.
The more I think about it the more I realise how much I changed. How much my life changed. In this one year. Not even a year. Ha! 4 first months of 2010 weren't really something I enjoyed. To be honest I was focusing more on what people thought of me and what was it that they hated so much about me rather than on my own life itself. I tried to BE whatever THEY wanted me to be, just to keep away from troubles. And then, during one of the monotone lunches I got so used to I just stopped, I literally stopped. They just sat there, having their so 'deep' conversations about sex and parties they went to last week. Ten or more of them around me, and only me. One, single, person who did not fit in. I realised they're not the people I want to be surrounded by. I realised I'm not like them. I realised I was naive enough to believe them. To believe in every single word they said. I was naive enough to believe they weren't that bad at all. But for god's sake... they were even worse than that.
And this was the day when I talked to her first. Of course I knew she was different that what I've seen of people so far. And, to my surprise, she was feeling the same way I did, because of the same people. We got close together very quickly. After first talk with her I realised I'm not on my own, that I CAN finally take care of my own life. And I did. Even they seemed to notice 'that change'. Oh how I loved their faces!
At the end of April misters number 1,2,3 and 4 were long forgotten. Now I tried to focus on my photographic exhibition and on mister number 5. Of course the photo exhibition happened at the end of may, and mister number 5 was replaced by mister number 6. Me and her had the strength to actually make the exhibition happen in just one month. I don't know what I'd do without her during that month...
And then I cried for the first time in good few weeks (considering the fact I was a love-to-cry person before). She was leaving. And even though she assured me she was coming back something deep inside me was telling me she wont. And that something was almost right. Whatever it was that made me prepare for the worst- worked. And when she told me she wasnt coming back I found out how strong I can be. Then she came back. At the end of August. I saw her once after she came back, as it turned out she only came back to get the rest of her things packed, and go back to Poland. Of course, I was already prepared for that, but I didn't know it would happen so... quickly.
At this stage mister number 11 was already gone. And I quickly forgot about it. Didnt work out? Who cares!| The summer holidays 2010 was the best time of my life. My 3 golden rules (do not drink before you're 18, never ever touch a cigarette, dont even think about weed) were basically...fucked hard by the new me. Now these rules were replaced by one sentence-"you'll never know when's your last day here". And so, I got to know many new people and things in my life. And the school started...
5th year was fun. For the first two months. Numbers 12,13 and 14 were replaced by momentary pause in anything that involved dealing with emotions. I turned 16, and I was happy with what I achieved in life so far. My contacts with Ola became even better. Number 15 came along. I was sure of this one. But of course I was wrong. After that I reached my status quo. Still. Never changing. And at the end of November I got tired of it. Monotony isn't my thing anymore. I know it's because of school, and the lack of time it offers us ;), but God, there must be something I can change. And here I am. Done with changes already. And realised how much I love changes. Well, not the changes themselves, but the effect they have on me. Number 16 and 17 in one month. Oh. This is why I hate it. I hate it so much, the way I...used to look for it and couldnt find it.
But we all look for something, dont we?

So, overall, i was lied to. Then i learned how lie to others. I took my life in my own hands. I was (and still am) happy. I tried out new things. And this is just now, when I stopped searching. There's no point.
During the year 2010 I learned 3 important things: 1- never give up.
2- happiness is what's inside of us. not what we have to look for under our beds.
3- love isn't my thing. yet.
So... 2010 was my year, I guess. 2010 made me. The real one. Now let's see what 2011 has to offer. ;)

PS- I am not a mean person. But I can be a bitch. I have my moments, just as everybody else. I'm sorry.

Hide

She's a secret. A hidden secret. She breathes, she drinks, she lives. And...she hides. She hides from something that is not hers. From something that is unknown to her, but always on her mind. She wishes she could get away, but then again what would happen if she would start to miss it?
What would happen if something she hates so much would become something she wants back?
What would happen if all the bad things in her life finally became memories she'd miss?
And she hides with her ridiculous thoughts from the world around her. It's something she's ashamed of, only because she cannot figure out what they really are. What they're about and what's going to happen because of that.
She's not lost. She KNOWS where she is, and where she's going. And only because she is so sure of her life and things in it she is confused. She never felt so strong and happy at the same time. She never felt this feeling of being 10000% sure where she is going to lead her life, and only because of that she finds it strange. The way, everything seems to be under her control.
And so, she hides.