Two Thousand And Ten

29 December 2010.
Oh wow. I can remember the first day of 2010 as if it was yesterday. I can remember how happy I was to start all new. To finally start taking lead of my own life. And guess what? I didn't. Not when the year 2010 began anyway.
The more I think about it the more I realise how much I changed. How much my life changed. In this one year. Not even a year. Ha! 4 first months of 2010 weren't really something I enjoyed. To be honest I was focusing more on what people thought of me and what was it that they hated so much about me rather than on my own life itself. I tried to BE whatever THEY wanted me to be, just to keep away from troubles. And then, during one of the monotone lunches I got so used to I just stopped, I literally stopped. They just sat there, having their so 'deep' conversations about sex and parties they went to last week. Ten or more of them around me, and only me. One, single, person who did not fit in. I realised they're not the people I want to be surrounded by. I realised I'm not like them. I realised I was naive enough to believe them. To believe in every single word they said. I was naive enough to believe they weren't that bad at all. But for god's sake... they were even worse than that.
And this was the day when I talked to her first. Of course I knew she was different that what I've seen of people so far. And, to my surprise, she was feeling the same way I did, because of the same people. We got close together very quickly. After first talk with her I realised I'm not on my own, that I CAN finally take care of my own life. And I did. Even they seemed to notice 'that change'. Oh how I loved their faces!
At the end of April misters number 1,2,3 and 4 were long forgotten. Now I tried to focus on my photographic exhibition and on mister number 5. Of course the photo exhibition happened at the end of may, and mister number 5 was replaced by mister number 6. Me and her had the strength to actually make the exhibition happen in just one month. I don't know what I'd do without her during that month...
And then I cried for the first time in good few weeks (considering the fact I was a love-to-cry person before). She was leaving. And even though she assured me she was coming back something deep inside me was telling me she wont. And that something was almost right. Whatever it was that made me prepare for the worst- worked. And when she told me she wasnt coming back I found out how strong I can be. Then she came back. At the end of August. I saw her once after she came back, as it turned out she only came back to get the rest of her things packed, and go back to Poland. Of course, I was already prepared for that, but I didn't know it would happen so... quickly.
At this stage mister number 11 was already gone. And I quickly forgot about it. Didnt work out? Who cares!| The summer holidays 2010 was the best time of my life. My 3 golden rules (do not drink before you're 18, never ever touch a cigarette, dont even think about weed) were basically...fucked hard by the new me. Now these rules were replaced by one sentence-"you'll never know when's your last day here". And so, I got to know many new people and things in my life. And the school started...
5th year was fun. For the first two months. Numbers 12,13 and 14 were replaced by momentary pause in anything that involved dealing with emotions. I turned 16, and I was happy with what I achieved in life so far. My contacts with Ola became even better. Number 15 came along. I was sure of this one. But of course I was wrong. After that I reached my status quo. Still. Never changing. And at the end of November I got tired of it. Monotony isn't my thing anymore. I know it's because of school, and the lack of time it offers us ;), but God, there must be something I can change. And here I am. Done with changes already. And realised how much I love changes. Well, not the changes themselves, but the effect they have on me. Number 16 and 17 in one month. Oh. This is why I hate it. I hate it so much, the way I...used to look for it and couldnt find it.
But we all look for something, dont we?

So, overall, i was lied to. Then i learned how lie to others. I took my life in my own hands. I was (and still am) happy. I tried out new things. And this is just now, when I stopped searching. There's no point.
During the year 2010 I learned 3 important things: 1- never give up.
2- happiness is what's inside of us. not what we have to look for under our beds.
3- love isn't my thing. yet.
So... 2010 was my year, I guess. 2010 made me. The real one. Now let's see what 2011 has to offer. ;)

PS- I am not a mean person. But I can be a bitch. I have my moments, just as everybody else. I'm sorry.

Hide

She's a secret. A hidden secret. She breathes, she drinks, she lives. And...she hides. She hides from something that is not hers. From something that is unknown to her, but always on her mind. She wishes she could get away, but then again what would happen if she would start to miss it?
What would happen if something she hates so much would become something she wants back?
What would happen if all the bad things in her life finally became memories she'd miss?
And she hides with her ridiculous thoughts from the world around her. It's something she's ashamed of, only because she cannot figure out what they really are. What they're about and what's going to happen because of that.
She's not lost. She KNOWS where she is, and where she's going. And only because she is so sure of her life and things in it she is confused. She never felt so strong and happy at the same time. She never felt this feeling of being 10000% sure where she is going to lead her life, and only because of that she finds it strange. The way, everything seems to be under her control.
And so, she hides.