Here it is again. This time of the year when I'm coming in touch with something more. I don't know why it's in september when it happens. When I can feel everything in a completely new way. And I forgot about this. I thought it has left me for good, this state. A state of absolute awareness of time, of the changes that take place around me. Awareness of self.
I knew I would have to go through it in September. The one month of absolute isolation. When the school starts and the only people I know (all three of them) are too busy to care less. But I wasn't ready. September hit me with its full force, making me feel as if I had to respawn in a while. But it's not working out.
I feel as if all the server's were busy and I have to wait. So I wait. Wait for all of my thoughts to come out of their hiding places. I wait for them to be everywhere, to be loud, vivid, so I could give them new direction and force. Maybe then, I'll be able to function properly.
And it's not how I expected it to be, to look. The whole idea of moving places would be the worst decision of my life if it wasnt for him. But he's here, somewhere and it keeps me alive. Makes me want to change. Makes me want to fix everything that I successfully managed to turn into dust.
From dust everything will rise. How many times before everything was in ruins and I had noone but me to fix it? How many times before was I alone? There's plenty of experience, plenty of scenes and memories that remind me of how to deal with it. And I'll rebuilt it. From dust I will built everything, brick by brick, word by word, breath by breath. From dust another 'new' will rise.
Let us create. Let us create.
All of this is making me stronger, believe it or not. I have left the country of my heart, my Eire, my lovely Eire; I have said my goodbyes with all of the people I cared about out there, I have to learn, still learn how to live in this country of new, I had and quickly lost a job, I will probably never have the Pardalis I'd wanted to have since last December and I probably will not have any money this year. And of course, I keep on ruining the most important thing to me. Love.
But all of this gives me strength, in some way. More or less. But it does. And it's beautiful. All of this. The place where I live, I really cant think of a place more beautiful than my neighbourhood. One day I'll show you. I promise. Even life here has its bright sides, Poland herself too. But only when I know he's mine.
As long as we're together and he's with me, I know I can achieve anything I wish. My motivation, my smile. My life.
But it's autumn now, a time of lemon tea with honey and orange leaves falling to my feet. And this is when I'm becoming aware of what I knew would happen. The time of utterly lonely days and nights. Time when I can set my thoughts free, let them have some fresh air and then call them home, so that I can put them back on the shelves. It's not easy. It never was. But it's good. Times like this make me feel... that I can do something, and do it good. Even if you think none of this is worth reading, I'm still proud of myself. Really. Doing the housekeeping on my thoughts, my mind and giving them shape and form satisfies me. And if you told me to leave it, to leave writing forever, I'd probably slap you in the face. With a brick. With blades on it. Really.
So let me create.
I knew I would have to go through it in September. The one month of absolute isolation. When the school starts and the only people I know (all three of them) are too busy to care less. But I wasn't ready. September hit me with its full force, making me feel as if I had to respawn in a while. But it's not working out.
I feel as if all the server's were busy and I have to wait. So I wait. Wait for all of my thoughts to come out of their hiding places. I wait for them to be everywhere, to be loud, vivid, so I could give them new direction and force. Maybe then, I'll be able to function properly.
And it's not how I expected it to be, to look. The whole idea of moving places would be the worst decision of my life if it wasnt for him. But he's here, somewhere and it keeps me alive. Makes me want to change. Makes me want to fix everything that I successfully managed to turn into dust.
From dust everything will rise. How many times before everything was in ruins and I had noone but me to fix it? How many times before was I alone? There's plenty of experience, plenty of scenes and memories that remind me of how to deal with it. And I'll rebuilt it. From dust I will built everything, brick by brick, word by word, breath by breath. From dust another 'new' will rise.
Let us create. Let us create.
All of this is making me stronger, believe it or not. I have left the country of my heart, my Eire, my lovely Eire; I have said my goodbyes with all of the people I cared about out there, I have to learn, still learn how to live in this country of new, I had and quickly lost a job, I will probably never have the Pardalis I'd wanted to have since last December and I probably will not have any money this year. And of course, I keep on ruining the most important thing to me. Love.
But all of this gives me strength, in some way. More or less. But it does. And it's beautiful. All of this. The place where I live, I really cant think of a place more beautiful than my neighbourhood. One day I'll show you. I promise. Even life here has its bright sides, Poland herself too. But only when I know he's mine.
As long as we're together and he's with me, I know I can achieve anything I wish. My motivation, my smile. My life.
But it's autumn now, a time of lemon tea with honey and orange leaves falling to my feet. And this is when I'm becoming aware of what I knew would happen. The time of utterly lonely days and nights. Time when I can set my thoughts free, let them have some fresh air and then call them home, so that I can put them back on the shelves. It's not easy. It never was. But it's good. Times like this make me feel... that I can do something, and do it good. Even if you think none of this is worth reading, I'm still proud of myself. Really. Doing the housekeeping on my thoughts, my mind and giving them shape and form satisfies me. And if you told me to leave it, to leave writing forever, I'd probably slap you in the face. With a brick. With blades on it. Really.
So let me create.
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