Viva la Vida

"What I've felt 
What I've known 
Never shined through in what I've shown "

And maybe I didn't. And neither did you.
 We were living the sweet lie you were whispering every night, making me believe. Making life holy. I was living it all for you, for us. To feel I'm wanted. And I was pushing the thought away, the thought of you leaving me as days passed.I wanted to give it all to you, to have nothing to hide. And finally, I reached a point when there was nothing else to give. Your disappointment was hard to hide, but there was nothing I could do about it. So I took the blame. I was the one to be called guilty.
 Everything that was going wrong, was my fault. I took the burden of blame on my own shoulders, hoping you would see. Hoping you would finally love. But instead you started hating, pushing me away, your words becoming empty. Sharp as a blade, cutting me so sweetly. And I wouldn't hesitate to ask for more. I always wanted more of you.When you pushed my hands away "not now. We have thing to do" for the first time I ignored it. Some time after you became tired of pushing me away. 
Days filled with your ignorance and unanswered calls passed and I was still taking the blade deeper into my heart. I realised the lie that hurt. For four years I've been imagining that moment and always I've thought I'd leave it all behind. That I'd run away, strong and without regrets. But as we all know imaginings are far from the truth. Instead I fell deeper into us. 
I wanted to hear the simple three words, ignoring what I already knew. I wanted it, no matter what. I wanted you, I wanted us. I wanted the lies, the played touch of your hands, the game. I wanted all that was killing me. But the game wasn't amusing you anymore. And sometimes I feel nothing. I inhale the loneliness mixed with oncoming summer. I inhale on everything that I never had to feel before. Because you always were. And the thing that hurts the most is the fact that I do not remember anything before you.
 Every moment of hope, every moment of sadness and doubt I would share with you. I was sharing my life with you for the past four years and I cannot, no matter what, look beyond the starting point. It just doesnt exist. It seems as if there was no life before you. As if I never existed before. But there is life after you. There is.

And so I inhale deeply the loneliness mixed with 4am morning air thinking of life that is there yet for me. Thinking of life that you have taken and given back, teaching me who I was and what I wanted from myself. Other than you, I wanted to find myself. And I did. But at what price. Just for you, for all these sleepless nights of tears and chest-ripping pain of my heart I will call you the unforgiven. 
And I will utter "viva la vida" as I exhale the last breaths of us.