2000 Miles From Freedom

If we could only be quicker on the 2000 mile long road to freedom. Freedom from everything that's keeping me away from myself. It became dusty and rusty from waiting, from miserable efforts of escaping. It forgot how to function in real life. It forgot how to give me what I want. It can't be what I want if there's always something stopping me from running it. If I cant help my life, how can it help me?
But don't worry my friend, we'll be there in a while. Don't worry, I'll let you be free, and you, will show me how to live again.
After we pass the 2000 mile long road to freedom, we'll be the happiest creatures in the world. Me, and you, my dear friend, my life. We've been a waste for the past 3 months, whatever happened to us, we'll be fine in few hours. Just living it. Enjoying the moments of truth and laughs. We'd be surrounded by smoke and smell of happiness. We'll forget about everything, we'll delete the past, forget about the future. We'll stop planning everything and just run, hoping we won't be late.
So spontaneous and wild. So vivid, powerful and mine. So... free.
We will feel the sun on our skin, we will feel it really sinking in. It will be all ours.
We'll fall asleep on the beach, wake up in the forests and laugh in the streets of a busy city. We will do all that and lots more. We, my dear friend, will be free again.

We, will be ourselves, for the first time without him.

Your Majesty

Let me kiss your crown for the last time. Let me take one more look. Let me tell you I will always be curious before I go. Let me feel I'm yours for the last second.

You were my heaven and my hell. You were fire, water, air and earth of my existence. You made me think everything lasts forever. I was waiting for this time of THIS year for the past 2 years, just for you. I was waiting, expecting the best, loving you like the idiot I was, and of course, I was yours. Every time I needed help, I turned to you, every time I needed YOU, you were there. Whatever you said, I made it holy, whatever you thought I made it words, whatever you taught me, I still can't deny.  Anything that had anything to do with you, was untouchable, protected by my love to you, sacred. Anything you told me to do, or to stop doing, I'd do so. I was listening to you, because I knew you were always right. (Dude, you made me like dubstep, and that's pretty something).
You, you were the most irresistible and arrogant man I have ever had anything to do with in my entire life.
 And to be honest with you, your excuses were always good. They seemed...rational and always probable. God. And I was letting you fool me for all this time, I guess, I wanted to be lied to by you, rather than not having you at all. And yes, I was yours. More than you ever imagined anything to be yours. I remember you saying 'I will always love you', and now, this moment, I can easily say- BULLSHIT. Bullshit.

I was always scared of losing you, always wondering if you were happy enough  with me. If I was enough for you. And every time I'd hear a long monologue from you about how wonderful I was, how happy you are (sorry, WERE, is the word)  with me and how you'd never want anyone but me, and I, being me, I would argue, telling you there's someone better than me out there and that you should more than likely be with her instead of me, and then you'd tell me to shut the fuck up and that you'd never leave me, even for Johnny Depp. Then I'd be grumpy for the rest of the day, still imagining you with some other girl, and I'd be mad with you only because my imagination was too crazy. You'd be brief when talking to me, angry even though you were trying to hide it, and still, you'd tell me a million times over and over again you loved me more than your own life and still, I would argue...  how much of a stupid idiot I was to doubt it? Wasn't anything you said true and 'sacred'? Shouldn't I believe you? Shouldn't I just shut the fuck up and tell you I loved you too, instead of arguing? Maybe, if I didn't want to argue that much you'd still be mine?
I was so scared of losing you that I was mad with you for being mine. God, it sounds ridiculous. I just hope it makes sense to you, my dear readers, as much as it makes sense to me.
And what hurts the most is that I WAS right in the end. You DID end up with someone better than me. You DID decide you'd be happier with someone else. Even though you promised you'll always love me, even if you'd end up with someone else. Bullshit, once again. But you can't be in a happy relationship with one girl and still 'always love' other one. That's just not right, and you do only the right things. OK, I already accepted it, that you're happy, living your life with some girl I don't even know. Im guessing she's amazingly pretty, intelligent, funny and yours. I'm also guessing she loves you, (I mean, how can anyone NOT love you?), and I'm guessing you hold hands most of the time, you kiss her neck and hug her in front of your friends. I'm almost sure you tell her you love her every single minute of your day and I'm almost sure you two are happy together. 

For Lara

In the end it all comes to nothing. We end where we have began. In nothingness, with nothing, feeling nothing.
We shouldn't give our lives away to someone we haven't even met. To someone who stole us away, but still someone that cannot touch us.
And just because we are only humans, we are greedy, selfish and completely out of mind, losing control of time, feelings, ourselves. Haven't you notice the most obvious of all obvious things- that in fact, everything is changing at extremely huge speed, without any restrictions? That we, as creatures of vulnerable hearts and huge desire for love, started to lose our minds, our common sense, our fucking logic?!
Where did it go? Who has all these things now? When did it happen? How could we possibly let that happen? Did love blind both of us so much, that we forgot the reason of our journey?
We couldn't possibly love. Not them. Not now. Not like this. There was no possible way of working that out. It was something we could run away to, it was something new and something different. Our escapes, our dreams and matrix-like experiences. But whatever happens in Matrix, stays in Matrix. It could of been love, but with people of dream-like quality, with people who were never ours to have, who were never parts of our lives, ''lover''.
We could hurt them, we could make them laugh and upset them. But didn't they do the same things to us? Couldn't they just think of us as escapes? And escapes aren't always permanent. They aren't always real. Sometimes, they don't even exist. And, so, if we didn't exist for them, why should they exist for us?
Of course, it's going to hurt like a motherfucker, but we will make it our own way, we will be ''better tomorrow''. Each and every night is adequate to one chapter of our story that we finish writing. It will end sooner that we expect it to end. Inhale. Exhale. Let go.
I'm not saying that we will be all right in a day or two. It needs time. We need time. And when everything will be healed and the only thing left will be simple curiosity, we can always escape, to them, to the things we wanted to have and do with them. We can always escape to the past dreams of future. See, sometimes, future is past even before present happens.
Lover, there's a heaven above us. We'll manage.
We have each other. Our situations are the same, but with completely different people.
We are strong. We can let them go.

...And please don't cry.

When Future Never Happens

And here we go again. Home alone, cold and hungover.

I can say Im enjoying the sound of silence now, of course, only because my head wouldn't take louder sounds today. But anyway, I wont be so fond of silence tomorrow, if it happens. And of course, more than likely, it will happen, it will get me.
I always wanted more than I could ever lift. I wanted more and more even though I had almost everything. Almost.  I wanted to have everything closer than close enough, now I don't have it at all.
I wanted to discover new lands and by sailing into unknown I ended up in my own head. I woke up and now I know that everything I ever wanted, everything I ever thought I had was only a weightless illusion. And so, I let it fall into a great canyon of my own dreams. But just because I'm telling myself and the rest of the world that it's over, that I'm done with it, that I'm free, doesn't really mean that it's actually the end.
I'm a very complicated character in this play, sometimes, even Hamlet in all his "antic-disposition" would be easier to understand than me. Sometimes I think that it's water that keeps the fire burning, sometimes I think it's hatred that causes love. Even the most gentle whisper can cause avalanche. I don't seem to be using any logic now, ah?
It wasn't always like that. I had a brain once. I used to think logically, believe it or not. Before I let him happen, before I let us happen, and before I let the unknown happen I actually thought about it- for a very long time. I knew there would be no happy ending and still I did let it happen. Ah stupid 14 years old child. And since then my heart was always one step ahead of my logic.
Nothing would ever change it, nothing would ever help it. It was meant to be like this, we were meant to end up like this. There was no way for something like that to work.
I was falling asleep in your arms, I was waking up to your whispers, we were sitting on the roofs of the tallest buildings, I used to play with your hair when watching movies, even though, you were never here.
If it was only possible to write it all down, to write YOU down on a sheet of paper... I would leave you to the rain and let it wash the ink away, then, if there was anything left I'd give you to the fire. Maybe this would help.
Sometimes I regret that I even have Dulux, it's all his fault. Sometimes I regret being so naive. Sometimes, I regret loving you.
But then again, I knew well enough what I was getting myself into. I knew about the 2000 miles between us, and I knew about the difficulty of it all, and still I wanted you.

I always wanted more of you, I could never get enough.
I always wanted you.
I still do.

Love, Hope and Other Sins

I wouldn't write that if Nuno didn't ask me to. Uh. He's not going to like it.

I hate that time of each day. The time of me being surrounded by everything I hate so much.
Silence- nothing I can do about it. Nothing to make it go away. Nothing to say, nothing to do, but to think. I hate the way I have the tendency to think too much about the same thing over and over again. I try to re-imagine the things that would happen, the things that would make me the happiest person in the world. But then again, I cannot, I just can't relive the feeling of having hope.
Now, I'm stripped of any positive sense of thinking. At least back then, I used to have the comfort of hope, but now, I can't even believe in hope. No hope in hope.
Some nights are very difficult. When I can't fall asleep for a very long time, when I try to imagine possible answers to my never-ending 'why's'. And most of all, I try to imagine him, in all his glory, finding me. Coming back.
Why? I don't know. I guess that's just how much I miss him.
Sometimes, I wake up at night just to whisper his name, the sweetest name of all names, turn around and pretend I'm facing him and fall asleep again. Calmly this time.
I can't think about anything else but him. I can't imagine anything but him. I've learned to sacrifice my thoughts entirely to him and now I can't think about anything else. I hate the idea of being a slave to my own sick naiveness.
And his name- so sweet and true in my lips. His smile- the best in the entire universe. His eyes- never to look into mine. Never.
He was mine but then again I never really had him. I was his entirely but never his to touch.
And when I think about it, I can assure each and everyone of you that I will always be his. Even if I'll end up living happily ever after with someone else I will always be his. His truly. I will always belong to him- the one who stole me from myself.
I used to be so happy that I even asked gods to give me something to cry about. And they wouldn't listen to me. They wouldn't until April. In April they gave me tears made of my happiness. They turned my smiles and love into never-ending sequence of tears. If I could, if I only could I'd fly to him and beg him to have me back, and in my dreams he would have me in his arms. But of course none of this is going to happen. And of course, his eyes aren't mine to look into.
Nothing ever gets better. Never.