When Future Never Happens

And here we go again. Home alone, cold and hungover.

I can say Im enjoying the sound of silence now, of course, only because my head wouldn't take louder sounds today. But anyway, I wont be so fond of silence tomorrow, if it happens. And of course, more than likely, it will happen, it will get me.
I always wanted more than I could ever lift. I wanted more and more even though I had almost everything. Almost.  I wanted to have everything closer than close enough, now I don't have it at all.
I wanted to discover new lands and by sailing into unknown I ended up in my own head. I woke up and now I know that everything I ever wanted, everything I ever thought I had was only a weightless illusion. And so, I let it fall into a great canyon of my own dreams. But just because I'm telling myself and the rest of the world that it's over, that I'm done with it, that I'm free, doesn't really mean that it's actually the end.
I'm a very complicated character in this play, sometimes, even Hamlet in all his "antic-disposition" would be easier to understand than me. Sometimes I think that it's water that keeps the fire burning, sometimes I think it's hatred that causes love. Even the most gentle whisper can cause avalanche. I don't seem to be using any logic now, ah?
It wasn't always like that. I had a brain once. I used to think logically, believe it or not. Before I let him happen, before I let us happen, and before I let the unknown happen I actually thought about it- for a very long time. I knew there would be no happy ending and still I did let it happen. Ah stupid 14 years old child. And since then my heart was always one step ahead of my logic.
Nothing would ever change it, nothing would ever help it. It was meant to be like this, we were meant to end up like this. There was no way for something like that to work.
I was falling asleep in your arms, I was waking up to your whispers, we were sitting on the roofs of the tallest buildings, I used to play with your hair when watching movies, even though, you were never here.
If it was only possible to write it all down, to write YOU down on a sheet of paper... I would leave you to the rain and let it wash the ink away, then, if there was anything left I'd give you to the fire. Maybe this would help.
Sometimes I regret that I even have Dulux, it's all his fault. Sometimes I regret being so naive. Sometimes, I regret loving you.
But then again, I knew well enough what I was getting myself into. I knew about the 2000 miles between us, and I knew about the difficulty of it all, and still I wanted you.

I always wanted more of you, I could never get enough.
I always wanted you.
I still do.