Really

How come we can get stabbed in the back so many times and never feel the pain? How could we become so cold, so 'strong' and so... indifferent to everything that happens around us.
Looks like we have never grown up. We still play. We still act. We still pretend.
How many times did they ask you 'how are you', you answered them, and then they said 'no really, how are you?'. Is it because we're scared of telling people how we really feel? Is it because we don't want them to see that we, as human beings, still have our weaknesses? Or is it because we got so used to acting things out that we can't even tell the difference between the real feelings and fake feelings?
People lie to us, we lie to others. It's so normal nowadays. But why is 'lie' our second nature? We even lie to make somebody feel better, to even somebody's life. Looks like 'lie' has become the weapon of 21st century.
And I could ask you many, many questions to which you could answer many, many things, but still in the end, I'd repeat the question and add 'really' at the end of it, just to make you stop and think. To make sure YOU are sure of the answer. But of course, the most important of all questions I could ask you is:
Are you happy?
I mean...REALLY?

Freedom, magic and mental issues

Ok, I haven't been posting anything that made sense in a while. I guess I just needed time to get myself together once again. Not, that I've been in deep depression for all this time, but... I just needed a rest from writing, try to understand. Not that you missed my or anything, but anyway.
Sometimes, it takes longer than we expected to get over some things. It's not about a love issue, or maybe it is, but not the kind of love you may think it is. I DON'T DO male-female love. It's not my thing, as I said before- my wallet isn't designed for that kind of things. I missed a friend. I've mentioned that before as well.
So, many of you may say that time is a greedy thing. A selfish bitch that decides to take precious little details from your memory and keep it for itself, but oh, look at the other thing that 'greedy, selfish bitch' does. Not always it takes the good stuff from us. It may also take pain, frustration and sorrow from us. I realised that only few days ago.
I made a deal with time. I gave him the bad things, he gave me back only the good stuff I missed, and needed the most. I never wanted to think bad about the good, but sometimes you just can't keep the positive thinking by your side. Sometimes you just gotta let go, stop, drown in the ocean of your selfish, masochistic thoughts, then rearrange them, just as you do with furniture in your room, and close them. Lock the door and just leave. Try not to come back to them. Never to open that door again, but as I said, it's almost impossible to do.
Now, I'm left with the good things on my own. But only because something is considered to be good, does it mean it's actually good?
As Sogyal Rinpoche said it's the good things that usually bring obstacles to our lives.
Is he right?

Wallet

Some people loose their minds. Some phones. Others loose their wallets.
And yes, wallets are somethings I'd like to talk about tonight. Or use them as a comparison to something completely different, at least.

Wallet isn't a very good place for money. I mean... think about it. When you have money in your wallet you feel like spending it. And you keep on buying new things (which, in fact, are useless pieces of crap you're going to throw in the corner of your room and never look at them again). And when you are going to buy another thing, you take out your wallet out of your back pocket only to realise you've only got 2c left in it.
And maybe I am not designed for love related affairs?
Everytime I decide to open my heart and take some love out of it, I always tend to loose control over it. I take out too much. I keep on giving too much. And this is why I tend to wake up one day to find myself completely miserable and empty.
But somewhere, deep in my conscience (I like that word. I learned it while reading Hamlet) I know I have to leave something for later. I know I have to leave some of it so that I can a starting point from which I could restore what I've lost.
Of course, that's when nothing works out between body A and body B.
But when it DOES work out and when we BOTH feel the force of attraction... well then, that's a completely different story. I guess.
Cause guessing is all I can do at the moment. I didn't get the chance to experience the other option yet.
Goodnight.

Two Thousand And Ten

29 December 2010.
Oh wow. I can remember the first day of 2010 as if it was yesterday. I can remember how happy I was to start all new. To finally start taking lead of my own life. And guess what? I didn't. Not when the year 2010 began anyway.
The more I think about it the more I realise how much I changed. How much my life changed. In this one year. Not even a year. Ha! 4 first months of 2010 weren't really something I enjoyed. To be honest I was focusing more on what people thought of me and what was it that they hated so much about me rather than on my own life itself. I tried to BE whatever THEY wanted me to be, just to keep away from troubles. And then, during one of the monotone lunches I got so used to I just stopped, I literally stopped. They just sat there, having their so 'deep' conversations about sex and parties they went to last week. Ten or more of them around me, and only me. One, single, person who did not fit in. I realised they're not the people I want to be surrounded by. I realised I'm not like them. I realised I was naive enough to believe them. To believe in every single word they said. I was naive enough to believe they weren't that bad at all. But for god's sake... they were even worse than that.
And this was the day when I talked to her first. Of course I knew she was different that what I've seen of people so far. And, to my surprise, she was feeling the same way I did, because of the same people. We got close together very quickly. After first talk with her I realised I'm not on my own, that I CAN finally take care of my own life. And I did. Even they seemed to notice 'that change'. Oh how I loved their faces!
At the end of April misters number 1,2,3 and 4 were long forgotten. Now I tried to focus on my photographic exhibition and on mister number 5. Of course the photo exhibition happened at the end of may, and mister number 5 was replaced by mister number 6. Me and her had the strength to actually make the exhibition happen in just one month. I don't know what I'd do without her during that month...
And then I cried for the first time in good few weeks (considering the fact I was a love-to-cry person before). She was leaving. And even though she assured me she was coming back something deep inside me was telling me she wont. And that something was almost right. Whatever it was that made me prepare for the worst- worked. And when she told me she wasnt coming back I found out how strong I can be. Then she came back. At the end of August. I saw her once after she came back, as it turned out she only came back to get the rest of her things packed, and go back to Poland. Of course, I was already prepared for that, but I didn't know it would happen so... quickly.
At this stage mister number 11 was already gone. And I quickly forgot about it. Didnt work out? Who cares!| The summer holidays 2010 was the best time of my life. My 3 golden rules (do not drink before you're 18, never ever touch a cigarette, dont even think about weed) were basically...fucked hard by the new me. Now these rules were replaced by one sentence-"you'll never know when's your last day here". And so, I got to know many new people and things in my life. And the school started...
5th year was fun. For the first two months. Numbers 12,13 and 14 were replaced by momentary pause in anything that involved dealing with emotions. I turned 16, and I was happy with what I achieved in life so far. My contacts with Ola became even better. Number 15 came along. I was sure of this one. But of course I was wrong. After that I reached my status quo. Still. Never changing. And at the end of November I got tired of it. Monotony isn't my thing anymore. I know it's because of school, and the lack of time it offers us ;), but God, there must be something I can change. And here I am. Done with changes already. And realised how much I love changes. Well, not the changes themselves, but the effect they have on me. Number 16 and 17 in one month. Oh. This is why I hate it. I hate it so much, the way I...used to look for it and couldnt find it.
But we all look for something, dont we?

So, overall, i was lied to. Then i learned how lie to others. I took my life in my own hands. I was (and still am) happy. I tried out new things. And this is just now, when I stopped searching. There's no point.
During the year 2010 I learned 3 important things: 1- never give up.
2- happiness is what's inside of us. not what we have to look for under our beds.
3- love isn't my thing. yet.
So... 2010 was my year, I guess. 2010 made me. The real one. Now let's see what 2011 has to offer. ;)

PS- I am not a mean person. But I can be a bitch. I have my moments, just as everybody else. I'm sorry.

Hide

She's a secret. A hidden secret. She breathes, she drinks, she lives. And...she hides. She hides from something that is not hers. From something that is unknown to her, but always on her mind. She wishes she could get away, but then again what would happen if she would start to miss it?
What would happen if something she hates so much would become something she wants back?
What would happen if all the bad things in her life finally became memories she'd miss?
And she hides with her ridiculous thoughts from the world around her. It's something she's ashamed of, only because she cannot figure out what they really are. What they're about and what's going to happen because of that.
She's not lost. She KNOWS where she is, and where she's going. And only because she is so sure of her life and things in it she is confused. She never felt so strong and happy at the same time. She never felt this feeling of being 10000% sure where she is going to lead her life, and only because of that she finds it strange. The way, everything seems to be under her control.
And so, she hides.

Bob Marley, candles and first cigarettes.

I found some old pictures. First pictures of first days spent with her. And guess what? I absolutely love them. Btw... I didn't know how hilarious I look when I get drunk. Oh well.

We changed. Me and her. I only realised that just now. It seems to me as if we went through a long and complicated process. Some kind of a restart or recorvery. Well,we knew this was going to happen and that these changes will be good for us, but we, or I at least, didn't know they would be so extreme. Both, her and me are completely different to what we were few months ago. We were... no. That wont make any sense...Hmm... Me and her still were occupied by children and their naiveness, imagination and belief that everything and everyone was good and perfect.
Soon we realised we were living in golden cages of lies and worlds me and her made up. We realised how things really were, still are to be honest, and we learned how to face them. We learned how to be strong and how get away from all these things and people who made us believe we were weak. We basically broke up with anything that reminded us of all these things we had to pretend. We got rid of all these weaknesses we were told we had. In the end, it turned out we were stronger than any of these golden cage people have ever been.We became free, strong and independent.We became women who tasted life with every breath they took. We became what WE always wanted to be. We kept on smiling 24/h. We were happy.

 It was March. March when it all happened. I met her during the Easter break. Only that week showed me the real side of life. It also showed me Im not alone. It made me enjoy my new-born life. And I knew things were going to change. I could feel that I, myself was changing. After the Easter break I came back to school. And for the fist time in 3 years I didnt care what anyone thought of me. I didnt care what they may say if they saw a completely new me. But I didn't know that change I felt burning inside me would be so visible to others. I didn't know it would show straight away. Well, it turns out some people did see that 'something different' about me. Hm... that could mean only one thing: Life was becoming not a dream, not a forgery, but a reality where I could change any of the common life theories. A reality which I was finally directing myself.

Of course, things didnt remain that perfect up until today, but perfection doesnt last, all of us should know this. And, believe it or not I knew this was going to happen and I think I was prepared for it. Now that Im not as much of a naive, silly child as I was months ago. I surely can be happy with anything that life is offering me, even the bad things dont seem to be that bad anymore.

I just hope I will not have to go back.

 

Wolves, Fireworks, Castles and other marriages

It was... impressive, I must admit. The view. The hills, the streams. Even our heather fields were there. And the forest. Yes. Ah, the forests I used to see everyday in Poland. Some view I miss...
And there was a castle to the right. Ruins rather than a castle, but still... And fireworks. For some reason there were fireworks. A lot. And all of the sudden it was all dark again. I was in the castle. Nothing but darkness. And then somebody turned on the light. I was in a huge bedroom. Old, cold and to my surprise, with my bed in it. Somebody called me. Didn't know who it was. Then I heard the howls. I didn't find anything but just bloody footmarks. I walked out the room following the marks. There was blood on the floor coming from the other room. I turned the handle. I saw blood marks on the walls. Pieces of old wallpaper lying on the floor. Pieces of bitten furniture. This is where I screamed for the first time. I was outside again.
Standing on of the hills over the castle.
Somebody took my hand and led me to the castle again. We went upstairs. We were safe. It wasn't a big room. Green walls and dark brown floors. Huge chandelier and scratch marks everywhere. I sat on the floor, looked out the window and saw that there was no fire anymore. The city looked amazing from that angle... And this is when somebody touched my arm, I turned around and saw my mum. Dad. Sister. I saw Ola. She sat beside me, looked at me as if to say something, but then somebody called my name. Him and few other people were there too. And at once, I realised that everything I ever wanted was so close. Everything was at the tip of my fingers. He took my hand and made me look into his eyes. It was so quiet. Nobody said a word. Nobody even seemed to breathe. Everyone was looking in different directions. As if scared to look at each other.
He led me to the window. Said nothing, just pointed at the city lights... (and this is where it gets interesting ;] )
The sound of fireworks was the first one I could hear since I entered that room. And seconds later the fire started. Everything started to burn. Everyone was gone. I was on my own. I could see nothing but blood covering every single piece of that room.  I looked at my hands and screamed. I screamed every person's name who was there with me at the beginning. And this is when I realised that everyone and everything I ever loved was gone. All of the memories, dreams and feelings were worth nothing at this stage. They were gone.
  I tried to find my way out. I tried to get out of that place but I couldn't find the fucking exit! Somebody called my name. One more time. More intense. And again. Screaming this time. I followed it, sure, what else could I possibly loose? I opened the door. This is where all the howls came from. It was a the same bedroom I was in at the beginning. Somebody was on the bed. A woman... a bride I should say. She was wearing my mother's wedding dress. And she had blood all over herself. There was a wolf at her feet. She moved, it moved. She walked towards me. Rubbed my face and said my name in such a sweet tone that it made me feel safe for that moment. But then I felt the blood on my cheek. How could I possibly feel safe with HER beside me?
I went for the door. Something closed it. What the hell did she do? I started to ask her all these useless, at this point, questions. She wouldn't answer. Instead she walked around the room in such a majestic way...as if she was proud of herself. Fucking bitch.
I think I'll stop here. I'd say you fell asleep already. I'll continue later on : )