Two Thousand And Ten

29 December 2010.
Oh wow. I can remember the first day of 2010 as if it was yesterday. I can remember how happy I was to start all new. To finally start taking lead of my own life. And guess what? I didn't. Not when the year 2010 began anyway.
The more I think about it the more I realise how much I changed. How much my life changed. In this one year. Not even a year. Ha! 4 first months of 2010 weren't really something I enjoyed. To be honest I was focusing more on what people thought of me and what was it that they hated so much about me rather than on my own life itself. I tried to BE whatever THEY wanted me to be, just to keep away from troubles. And then, during one of the monotone lunches I got so used to I just stopped, I literally stopped. They just sat there, having their so 'deep' conversations about sex and parties they went to last week. Ten or more of them around me, and only me. One, single, person who did not fit in. I realised they're not the people I want to be surrounded by. I realised I'm not like them. I realised I was naive enough to believe them. To believe in every single word they said. I was naive enough to believe they weren't that bad at all. But for god's sake... they were even worse than that.
And this was the day when I talked to her first. Of course I knew she was different that what I've seen of people so far. And, to my surprise, she was feeling the same way I did, because of the same people. We got close together very quickly. After first talk with her I realised I'm not on my own, that I CAN finally take care of my own life. And I did. Even they seemed to notice 'that change'. Oh how I loved their faces!
At the end of April misters number 1,2,3 and 4 were long forgotten. Now I tried to focus on my photographic exhibition and on mister number 5. Of course the photo exhibition happened at the end of may, and mister number 5 was replaced by mister number 6. Me and her had the strength to actually make the exhibition happen in just one month. I don't know what I'd do without her during that month...
And then I cried for the first time in good few weeks (considering the fact I was a love-to-cry person before). She was leaving. And even though she assured me she was coming back something deep inside me was telling me she wont. And that something was almost right. Whatever it was that made me prepare for the worst- worked. And when she told me she wasnt coming back I found out how strong I can be. Then she came back. At the end of August. I saw her once after she came back, as it turned out she only came back to get the rest of her things packed, and go back to Poland. Of course, I was already prepared for that, but I didn't know it would happen so... quickly.
At this stage mister number 11 was already gone. And I quickly forgot about it. Didnt work out? Who cares!| The summer holidays 2010 was the best time of my life. My 3 golden rules (do not drink before you're 18, never ever touch a cigarette, dont even think about weed) were basically...fucked hard by the new me. Now these rules were replaced by one sentence-"you'll never know when's your last day here". And so, I got to know many new people and things in my life. And the school started...
5th year was fun. For the first two months. Numbers 12,13 and 14 were replaced by momentary pause in anything that involved dealing with emotions. I turned 16, and I was happy with what I achieved in life so far. My contacts with Ola became even better. Number 15 came along. I was sure of this one. But of course I was wrong. After that I reached my status quo. Still. Never changing. And at the end of November I got tired of it. Monotony isn't my thing anymore. I know it's because of school, and the lack of time it offers us ;), but God, there must be something I can change. And here I am. Done with changes already. And realised how much I love changes. Well, not the changes themselves, but the effect they have on me. Number 16 and 17 in one month. Oh. This is why I hate it. I hate it so much, the way I...used to look for it and couldnt find it.
But we all look for something, dont we?

So, overall, i was lied to. Then i learned how lie to others. I took my life in my own hands. I was (and still am) happy. I tried out new things. And this is just now, when I stopped searching. There's no point.
During the year 2010 I learned 3 important things: 1- never give up.
2- happiness is what's inside of us. not what we have to look for under our beds.
3- love isn't my thing. yet.
So... 2010 was my year, I guess. 2010 made me. The real one. Now let's see what 2011 has to offer. ;)

PS- I am not a mean person. But I can be a bitch. I have my moments, just as everybody else. I'm sorry.

Hide

She's a secret. A hidden secret. She breathes, she drinks, she lives. And...she hides. She hides from something that is not hers. From something that is unknown to her, but always on her mind. She wishes she could get away, but then again what would happen if she would start to miss it?
What would happen if something she hates so much would become something she wants back?
What would happen if all the bad things in her life finally became memories she'd miss?
And she hides with her ridiculous thoughts from the world around her. It's something she's ashamed of, only because she cannot figure out what they really are. What they're about and what's going to happen because of that.
She's not lost. She KNOWS where she is, and where she's going. And only because she is so sure of her life and things in it she is confused. She never felt so strong and happy at the same time. She never felt this feeling of being 10000% sure where she is going to lead her life, and only because of that she finds it strange. The way, everything seems to be under her control.
And so, she hides.

Bob Marley, candles and first cigarettes.

I found some old pictures. First pictures of first days spent with her. And guess what? I absolutely love them. Btw... I didn't know how hilarious I look when I get drunk. Oh well.

We changed. Me and her. I only realised that just now. It seems to me as if we went through a long and complicated process. Some kind of a restart or recorvery. Well,we knew this was going to happen and that these changes will be good for us, but we, or I at least, didn't know they would be so extreme. Both, her and me are completely different to what we were few months ago. We were... no. That wont make any sense...Hmm... Me and her still were occupied by children and their naiveness, imagination and belief that everything and everyone was good and perfect.
Soon we realised we were living in golden cages of lies and worlds me and her made up. We realised how things really were, still are to be honest, and we learned how to face them. We learned how to be strong and how get away from all these things and people who made us believe we were weak. We basically broke up with anything that reminded us of all these things we had to pretend. We got rid of all these weaknesses we were told we had. In the end, it turned out we were stronger than any of these golden cage people have ever been.We became free, strong and independent.We became women who tasted life with every breath they took. We became what WE always wanted to be. We kept on smiling 24/h. We were happy.

 It was March. March when it all happened. I met her during the Easter break. Only that week showed me the real side of life. It also showed me Im not alone. It made me enjoy my new-born life. And I knew things were going to change. I could feel that I, myself was changing. After the Easter break I came back to school. And for the fist time in 3 years I didnt care what anyone thought of me. I didnt care what they may say if they saw a completely new me. But I didn't know that change I felt burning inside me would be so visible to others. I didn't know it would show straight away. Well, it turns out some people did see that 'something different' about me. Hm... that could mean only one thing: Life was becoming not a dream, not a forgery, but a reality where I could change any of the common life theories. A reality which I was finally directing myself.

Of course, things didnt remain that perfect up until today, but perfection doesnt last, all of us should know this. And, believe it or not I knew this was going to happen and I think I was prepared for it. Now that Im not as much of a naive, silly child as I was months ago. I surely can be happy with anything that life is offering me, even the bad things dont seem to be that bad anymore.

I just hope I will not have to go back.

 

Wolves, Fireworks, Castles and other marriages

It was... impressive, I must admit. The view. The hills, the streams. Even our heather fields were there. And the forest. Yes. Ah, the forests I used to see everyday in Poland. Some view I miss...
And there was a castle to the right. Ruins rather than a castle, but still... And fireworks. For some reason there were fireworks. A lot. And all of the sudden it was all dark again. I was in the castle. Nothing but darkness. And then somebody turned on the light. I was in a huge bedroom. Old, cold and to my surprise, with my bed in it. Somebody called me. Didn't know who it was. Then I heard the howls. I didn't find anything but just bloody footmarks. I walked out the room following the marks. There was blood on the floor coming from the other room. I turned the handle. I saw blood marks on the walls. Pieces of old wallpaper lying on the floor. Pieces of bitten furniture. This is where I screamed for the first time. I was outside again.
Standing on of the hills over the castle.
Somebody took my hand and led me to the castle again. We went upstairs. We were safe. It wasn't a big room. Green walls and dark brown floors. Huge chandelier and scratch marks everywhere. I sat on the floor, looked out the window and saw that there was no fire anymore. The city looked amazing from that angle... And this is when somebody touched my arm, I turned around and saw my mum. Dad. Sister. I saw Ola. She sat beside me, looked at me as if to say something, but then somebody called my name. Him and few other people were there too. And at once, I realised that everything I ever wanted was so close. Everything was at the tip of my fingers. He took my hand and made me look into his eyes. It was so quiet. Nobody said a word. Nobody even seemed to breathe. Everyone was looking in different directions. As if scared to look at each other.
He led me to the window. Said nothing, just pointed at the city lights... (and this is where it gets interesting ;] )
The sound of fireworks was the first one I could hear since I entered that room. And seconds later the fire started. Everything started to burn. Everyone was gone. I was on my own. I could see nothing but blood covering every single piece of that room.  I looked at my hands and screamed. I screamed every person's name who was there with me at the beginning. And this is when I realised that everyone and everything I ever loved was gone. All of the memories, dreams and feelings were worth nothing at this stage. They were gone.
  I tried to find my way out. I tried to get out of that place but I couldn't find the fucking exit! Somebody called my name. One more time. More intense. And again. Screaming this time. I followed it, sure, what else could I possibly loose? I opened the door. This is where all the howls came from. It was a the same bedroom I was in at the beginning. Somebody was on the bed. A woman... a bride I should say. She was wearing my mother's wedding dress. And she had blood all over herself. There was a wolf at her feet. She moved, it moved. She walked towards me. Rubbed my face and said my name in such a sweet tone that it made me feel safe for that moment. But then I felt the blood on my cheek. How could I possibly feel safe with HER beside me?
I went for the door. Something closed it. What the hell did she do? I started to ask her all these useless, at this point, questions. She wouldn't answer. Instead she walked around the room in such a majestic way...as if she was proud of herself. Fucking bitch.
I think I'll stop here. I'd say you fell asleep already. I'll continue later on : )

So many words. Too many words.

Talking with you is like messing in the snow. It looked amazing before we touched it. And now I'm lost in the unmarked snow roads. The snow-covered paths are confusing me. It's so easy to get stuck in the snow. So easy to cover you from head to to toe. We trip on the slippery walkways.
I checked every foreign alphabet to decode a language that I know.  You keep on using crosswords to talk to me and the hints got covered by a fog. Sometimes when, I try to find a rhyme some weird thoughts gather around my lips.
I bang and bang on the door, checking if it's still opened. And I scream so many words, too many words for nothing.
I bang and bang on the wall checking if it's gonna work.
And I knock so many times, too many times. We lost the key in the snow.

Broken Glass, Red wine and Vanilla rum

Some things are so easy to break. They make this funny sound of broken glass when we step on them.
We, as humans, break things on a daily basis. Accidently. We dont even realise when we break something. It doesn't necessarily have to be a materialised thing. It can be something without a body, without a shape. We can even break people themselves.
We're some vulnerable, self-destructive creatures. And this is when the panic comes. Panic, panic, panic. Read it out loud and see how funny this word is. It sounds pretty pathetic, doesnt it? Oh, sure it is a pathetic thing! Panic- some people want to make panic, by spreading it. How do they spread it around? By panicking themselves. Pffft. We panic pretty often, dont we? When the 'problems of our lives over-whelm us'. What the hell is that supposed to be? I'm sorry but problems in the lines of 'should I wear the fluorescent pink playboy T-shirt or the baby pink playboy T-shirt' are not real problems. Of course, I may now seem to be the 'know it all', but I think I've been  through some more serious stuff in my life.
And yes, I did panic. I did panic before my first ever take off from Poland. I did panic when my first month in Ireland seemed to be a year. I did panic when I had to go to a new school, full of people who speak some kind of language I could not understand. And after three years I finally got used to what's around me. I started to love it. I accepted all this and the other as my home. I loved it. I loved it even more when she was around. And the last time I panicked was in June. When she left. I panicked as never before. I wasnt alive. And of course, something decided to change in me.
It wasnt me who wanted that change. I'd say that it was my mind taking the advantage here. It all changed so quickly. I woke up one morning, cool after all that just happened. Cool about anything and anyone. Didn't give a fcuk about what would happen. I decided to drop all my plans, all my timetables. I decided to live without planning anything. And since then, panic became something completely unknown for me.
Before then my life tasted like...no, it didnt have a taste. Tasteless. And then, on Easter time Ola showed me that life can taste like red wine. It could be sweet but bitter at the same time. Depends on how you tasted it. And... if you burned your hair or not.
And after holidays life's taste changed to vanilla. And rum. Vanilla rum. Something sweet, strong and funky. Yes. Something nice. But of course in small doses. If you'll get too much of it, you'll end up under the trampoline in my back garden.
Yes, I like my vanilla life. Im not saying that red wine is bad. I'm just saying that red wine is something special. Something you drink with someone special. This is when the magic happens. It tastes nicer when it's shared. And vanilla rum... is just different. Anyone could drink it, as long as they know how to.

Cappuccino, cigarettes and Valentino perfume

Im not one of these who can easily hide. Never wanted to be one of them anyway. I wanted to stand out. But never really had the strength to do this. Until I met her. My life changed completely. Thanks to her. She showed me I could be myself whenever I wanted to. And since then I don't care if I'm surrounded by people who just wait for me to make a wrong move. To fall. I really don't care. I fall, I stand on my feet again and all I care about is just to stick my lovely middle finger at them and walk on.
I really dont care what they say about me. But that's good, right?
It took me some time to get used to this kind of behaviour. Sometimes I was so not bothered with anything that even if a plane crashed right in front of me I wouldn't even flinch. But then it all became normal. For me anyway. I'm happy the way I am. The way I get used to new situations, new people easily. How I can get over things easily. I love the feeling of being able to take anything.
Sometimes, blocking myself from feeling anything more than I should is a good thing. At least things are not going to be that easy for a while. I hate it when life is too easy. When it's easy it's boring. That's why I like to complicate some things a bit. Just to make it more entertaining.
Eg. falling in love. Some horrible shit I was pro at! And then, I realised I was so devastated by my way-too-big feelings to some people that I had nothing else that could be destroyed. And so, I remain still. One without anything that can be broken, without anything that can break something else. Very simply I have isolated myself from any extraordinary feelings.
But every now and again I miss that old, sweet, naive idiot I was. The soft hearted one. Ehh... Just think about it. I needed that change. Otherwise I'd still be locked inside the silver cage of lie.
Now, I'm out of there. And happy to be who I am.
Even if cappuccino, cigarettes and Valentino perfume were the only things to describe me I'd be the happiest person alive.

Panic

It's some sort of paranoia. Some sort of panic. Something weird and unusual. Hysteria takes place in my mind, but I seem to be pretty peaceful. No sign of chaos on my face. I remain me.
But then again I wish it would show. I wish it would be clear, so that you would see what's happening to me whenever my mind is on you.
It's not an electric current this time. It's not a hypnotising moment. It's panic. Pure, beautiful in some ways, panic. This sense of horrible roughness of my thoughts. Hmm.. Why is my mind reacting this way?
I got tired of looking for explanations. Tired of looking for answers. I think it's better to leave it to time. It will give me answers to my questions....eventually. I'm not even sure if I want to know the answers yet. What if they're not what I'd like to hear? What if... nah. I hate my 'what ifs'. Some horrible, pessimistic stuff they are.
But I tell you what, I am ready to face the time, face the life and surprises it will bring along. Even if the answers will turn out to be negative.
I can face anything. I can take anything.
I got caught in a place. Panic for a minute. Deciding not to wait any longer. Going for anything that life is offering me.
I can take anything.

Queens and Queen

Should I start off with explaining the difference between 'now' and 'then', or are we ok with that?


Indulgent to any kind of madness, bending the eternity...that was my thing. Before magic happened. I was pro at being easy to read. Pro at being easy to break. Whether I liked it or not.
Passive. Quiet. Always scared of showing her real self. Why? Was that the people I used to have by my side, or was it just that I wasn't ready to be myself yet?
GOD! This sounds ridiculous. How can you not be ready to be yourself? Does it really take that much of... that much of... courage? Belief? I don't know what it takes to be yourself fully, but I think I have it. Anyway.
One of the nights, after her disappearance, I thought it over. What she gave me and what she made me. I realised we had the world of our own. We had the same point of view. We loved and hated the same things. Only, she seemed to be stronger...in her own specific way. When we were together I felt as I could do anything, be anything, say anything I wanted and still win it all... The world stopped for a moment, stopped turning completely, it was all mine and hers. We could  have all of the tastes, all of the winds, rains and suns. Moons. Stars. Orbits. People and animals in the world, but still we had the power to reject them all...as long as we had each other. And she felt it too.
But at the same time I knew the end of all the ends will happen unexpected. Soon. I could almost taste the bitterness of it on my tongue. Of course this was going to happen. I was preparing myself for it. As it turned out later on- not well enough. Every magic ends with tragic. Simple as that.
When it all happened, when our world fell apart into two pieces, she left a piece of her heart with me.She left WITH a piece of my heart. The story didn't last for long. I thought I wouldn't be able to be the Queen of our world, our whole mystic, fantastic empire on my own. I thought I wouldn't even be able to live like I used to for that short while when she was here. I thought I wouldn't be able to continue on being what she made me. My world, as I became a 'half' again, didn't stop. It faded. It faded for an undefined period of time. I lost track of time. Tastes. Smells. Emotions...
And this is when I discovered my hidden heart. I discovered  the piece of her in myself. I discovered I had the power to be the Queen again. She never left. She was always with me. Still is. Even closer than before. Each and everyday her heart beats in me. So loud, so strong. So powerful I still am what she made me. Strong, independent, rebellious. Myself.
It's hard to believe how I can feel her presence even though she's hundreds miles away... Our empire didn't fade, it didn't brake. It just divided into two.
One day the two empires will become an Empire again.
One day, the two Queens will become A Queen again.


                                                                        My heart. Her pulse.

Life and Existence- i.e. my point of view.

There is a huge difference between 'life' and 'existence'. Life is like...  tasting a fruit over and over again but still keep finding something new in the taste. Existence is just... a rotten sock. Nothing we can do about it. :P
This way or the other, we have to fight. Fight for the things that are important to us. Even though we may be sure of something it may be gone the next time we wake up. But what if loss is there so that we can gain something? What if we earn while we bankrupt? I mean... ok, let's give you a good example.

"Two teenage girls. They meet, accidentally. Quickly get to know each other. It's obvious they are like two long lost and perfect halves. Matching. Without any faults. Perfect. Living in their small little world. Together they could do anything and everything. They HAD everything while they had each other. But they didn't care about the rest as long as they had each other by the side. They made each other. Yes, made. One helped another to stand on her own feet. To become who they finally became. Free. Rebellious. Wild. And suddenly one of the friends leaves. She's gone. Tearing the first one into pieces. No contact. Not even a word. A message. No nothing but devastation of the other girl. But as the time passed and healed the worst wounds, the first one got stronger. Independent. She was able to continue on being her free, rebellious and wild self without her. She was able to live, and to taste the life. She was able to fight whatever she had to fight. They renewed their friendship by the words 'whatever happens, if we're going to see each other or not, You still have a piece of my heart, and I've got a piece of Yours. We are one, even though, we are two'."
So, as you can see, even though the first girl seemed to be devastated, broken into pieces, by loosing all she had. All her world. Her strength, she also gained a lot. She was weak, fragile before they met. But when her entire world faded...when she started to get better, she realised she was so much stronger than before. She could handle anything life would throw her. She wasn't afraid anymore. She was ready to be surprised by life, and, to surprise life.
And this is how life differs to existence. Life is something we are ready to take by surprise, existence is taken for granted.


And yes. The story is painful. True. And mine. As well as hers.

Autumn

It's autumn. Autumn already. The golden smell of it is absolutely everywhere. Looks so good. But there are some side effects of this golden time of the year.
Something happens. Pressure raises. Rain falls. All of that and more have a great impact on... ourselves. Oh, the amount of melancholy in the air...
Going somewhere else, surrounded by nothing but millions of thoughts. Good ones. Bad ones. These completely twisted and plainly normal. All of that, and horrible philosophic moments... do you all go through that during that time of the year or is it just me, being me?
And, either way, it's a perfect time of the year to stop and think over things that are happening in our lives. To think about what we want, what we need. What are we expecting from our life and from ourselves? To plan things, before they happen. No. No. Of course not. We can't, we just can't over plan things. It's not possible to go through our lives with a timetable in one hand and a 'perfect recipe' for life in the other. There is NO recipe. We can't plan things... If we knew exactly what would happen to us tomorrow, in a week, in a month time... we wouldn't be surprised when it would happen. Our lives would become as boring and pointless as lives of gold fish. Swimming in circles, seeing the same things everyday, knowing what would happen each day. Nothing knew. Nothing unexpected.
Who would like that kind of life anyway? Would our miserable existence make any sense if everything was planned way ahead? What would happen if something didn't go with the plan? What would happen is something went completely, fatally wrong and we wouldn't have a plan 'b' to make things right? Would we go utterly absurd? Even more absurd than we would be...? Would that even be possible?
And where are the answers to all these questions? Life doesn't give us answers. Not even one. Not even a hint to tell us if we are making the right choices. If we are going to be happy. Satisfied with our lives and who we are. Life, or some may call it just a plain existence, (as there is a difference between the two of them and I'll write about this later on) wants us to make mistakes so that we can learn from them. Oh, at least that's what I think.

Chopin

Have you ever tried to catch your own shadow? I'd say you did. And, of course, it didn't work. Personally, I think that running after your own shadow is completely pointless. Useless. A person, with some common sense, a person who thinks rationally would never ever, even think about playing hide and seek with his/her own shadow. Sure, what's the point of it? A person like this would state straight away it would never be possible to catch their own shadow. But...But there always is that spark of curiosity, that tiny 'what if...?'. And even a smart person tries to step on their shadow. Tries to catch this damn, unreachable shadow...

I want something. I can see it. It's so clear. But I know I cant have it. It's pathetic the way I'm trying to get it. To catch it. Knowing it's not possible to do so. I'm fighting for it. But why? Does it mean I'm totally absurd?
Just like a deaf person wanting to hear amazing music of Chopin, but they can't. All they can do is imagine. Imagine the perfect tunes.

And this is what I do. I imagine. Imagine how things would look like if I did something differently. What would it be like if...